Shaking fingers close the buttons of my blouse, then my raincoat as I escape the hotel. I keep my head down, my hair hiding much of my face. Behind me heavy rain beats on the monolithic glass front of the Hyatt as people flee inside, chased by the downpour. Starting the trudge out of the city centre, a fierce wind shears rain into my face as if to erode my resolve. I pay it no mind. Having had the strength to leave, walking away is easy and I let my momentum carry me.
The pavements are filled with wet, shambling pedestrians, stumbling determinedly through sheets of rain. I move slower than most, conscious of every step, willing the rain to soak me, scour me, cleanse me. Streams of water burst from my hair and slip serpent like down my back, wet finger-trails chilling my spine.
In a blur of rain and footsteps and streets I lose myself. Traffic passes me in waves, the rush of sound pounding and retreating, a tide carrying me forward. I try to avoid thoughts of what just happened but they rise to the surface, following in my wake. For a moment I feel sorry for Richard, running out on him like that, but that brings me to what I would have done had I stayed. I increase my pace, once more feeling only the urgent need to be home.
The grey light of evening begins to creep across the sky, darkening the already heavy clouds. I hear a car pull into the road behind me and for moment I imagine it is Richard following, desperate to convince me to stay. I quicken my step. The car passes. It is not Richard. Ridiculous to think it was. He’s not the type to follow a lover out into the rain. He’s probably already back in the bar, making a move on someone else. I focus on my footsteps and the sound of the rain. It almost clears my head.
Finally reaching our drive, I stand for a moment and stare at the front door, unable to move. The living room light is on, the curtains closed. Upstairs the glow from the landing tells me the girls are tucked up in bed. I place my key in the door but it opens before I turn, Adam standing on the other side smiling. He helps me inside, kissing me on my numb, still wet cheek. A dark puddle slowly grows under my feet as raindrops reform and fall from my drenched coat and hair. Grime is spattered up the backs of my legs, a random dot to dot drawn on my pale trousers.
Adam helps me out of my coat. The rain has run down my neck, merged with the rivulets of sweat generated by my exertions and soaked the thin cotton of my blouse. I am grateful for the wet almost animal smell from my soaked overcoat that fills the hall, masking any tell tale odours. I might not have slept with Richard but enough happened for the stink of his aftershave to be all over me. I need to shower.
‘How come you’re not staying at the hotel tonight?’ Adam asks as he hangs up my coat.
‘There was a mix-up, the hotel was double booked or someone made a mistake with the conference numbers our end or something,’ I blurt out.
This lie, not my first, leaves my lips easily despite the weight of it, the damage it could do if discovered. I watch for Adams reaction waiting for his trust to run out, unsure if I can handle more questions.
He just laughs and says, ‘Typical. Your bosses couldn’t organise a piss up in the proverbial.’
I want to grab him and hold him and kiss him and cry and tell him everything but I don’t. Instead I smile, mumble about the shower and head upstairs before he realises more is wrong than my simply being soaked and tired.
I undress quickly and dump my clothes next to the washing basket, ready to take straight to the machine. In the shower I turn the water up as high as I can bear. My skin reddens to match the shame welling up inside me.
‘Want a cup of tea?’
Adam’s voice, calling from the door of the en suite, startles me.
‘Please,’ I manage to reply and then wait for him to head back down to the kitchen.
Only then, my back pressed to the tiles behind me, do I slide down to a hunched position, bury my face in my hands and let the hot shower spray nearly burn my quaking shoulders.
24 Responses to Heading Home – #fridayflash
Some readers may recognise this story. The original version was my entry for the Editor Unleashed Flash Fiction 40 contest back in June. I’ve given it a redraft, removing a lot of unnecessary and overblown description. Murdered a lot of darlings – I think it improves the piece no end.
Planning something new and interesting for next week. If I can work out how to pull off my bright idea. In the meantime, hope you enjoy this.
Wow Dan,
Such a great portrayal of guilt. I hope she never does it again and doesn’t tell the hubby.
She was shattered enough.
Nice job on making the character pitiful but still sympathetic. That can be a very fine line.
I loved the rain being more of a character in the story than Richard.
Karen :0)
Like Karen, I think you did an excellent job of portraying the guilt. The rain couldn’t wash it away, and the walk couldn’t put enough distance between the MC and her act. Well done.
I enjoyed it the first time around, but it’s much tighter now. Great story!
Yes, I enjoyed this very much! Oh, Karen, guilt is a hard taskmaster.
And will this stop her? Somehow I don’t think so.
Excellent!
The pratice of deception and its cost. The adrenalin build up is almost palpable.
A good sketch of remorse.
Great description of guilt – vivid imagery.
Liked it the first time around, but agree – even better now. Peace, Linda
We can almost feel the water too, first the rain, then the shower; you portray vivid pictures Dan. Whatever you took out is not missed, for this seemed very complete, just right.
Thanks for the kind words, everyone. Glad that those of you who read this before felt it was better for the edits. Certainly a case of less is more.
A fantastic read, I feel guilty reading it
Fabulous job, Dan. This was pitch perfect. I love the fact that Richard is just a name, because the truth is, he is just a symptom. Her real disease is deep inside, and you did a great job of showing this.
Excellent, excellent piece.
Nice and tight.
And no amount of water will cleanse…
You’ve packed a lot of emotion into this, Dan. And the contrast between how the hotel seems now to feel and the warmth and normality of her home… Very, very well done.
I liked it then and I like it now. Very good piece of flash. Tight, clean, and packs a punch. Great story.
~jon
Powerful piece, Dan. You slimmed it down well. What strikes me for some reason you show but don’t state is how she has betrayed herself. Well done.
Jeff Posey
Excellent story. Great descriptions get us into the story and really help us feel her guilt.
I really loved this line; ‘Having had the strength to leave, walking away is easy and I let my momentum carry me.’ Thought it was a great way to open the piece and show the resolve of the character. And the continual use of water terminology ties everything together wonderfully. It’s a very strong piece.
-Kylie
I’m totally with Kylie’s words, and everyone else’s. Just wanted to add that you really, really got into the head of a woman here, and I could relate to what she’s doing and how I would react in a similar situation. (Not necessarily the exact same situation, but in negative situations!)
Beautifully done.
Having not read the first rendition of this one, I can’t comment towards the edits. All I can say is how much I enjoyed it. All that water, as if she was drowning herself in remorse. I don’t think she’ll do it again – she cares too much. (I’d like to think, anyhow.)
I’ve had this open for two days to make sure I didn’t forget to comment! You really got the female voice right in this piece. I agree with people’s comments that water plays an important part in this. Out, out damned spot and all that. One thing you might consider is rewording some of the first par – you have used ‘my’ seven times and ‘me’ twice. The repeated use of my kept popping me out of the piece when I really wanted to be immersed. What you’ve got cooking for this week sounds very intriguing. Will be back in a few days to see!
To everyone who commented, thanks for the kind words and advice.
@Cascade Lily – Thanks for the helpful comment. I was trying to hide the ‘I’ of a first person piece here. From your comment, I have probably gone the other way and put in far too many ‘me/my’s to replace them. I’ll give that a look and see if I can improve the piece by disappearing a few of those.
As for this upcoming Friday, not sure if I can pull off my new idea, but plan to give it a draft tomorrow so fingers crossed.
The emphasis on the rain does a great job of establishing atmosphere.
Another excellent piece Dan. I learn something about the art of flash writing from your work every week.
~Chris
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