I didn’t tell you she wrote me a letter. About ten years ago now, about three years after we last saw each other. I was with someone else then too. We’re talking way before Mel and the engagement and everything. I binned the letter. Thought I was happy with then-girlfriend. That didn’t take long to turn to shit too though and I cursed the fact I binned it. That was always my problem. Too quick to chuck out the old and get on with the new.
So I’m there, heading down the escalator with Mel and I see her heading the other way. She looks the same. Strawberry blond hair fastened up in some kooky braid. A summer dress that manages to seem innocent and sexy at the same time,. One of those floral prints she always carried off so well. I can’t see her feet but imagine she is wearing the same canvas boots with the hefty tread she always wore at Uni. I see her and I don’t know what the fuck to do.
The escalator shuffles me down and her up and I see her see me. She smiles. I smile. Can’t help myself. I don’t look at Mel but through her hand I feel her tense up. The escalators carry us closer, nearing the moment when we will be level for a second then pass and continue on our ways. She looks down at her feet, that shy way she always had, the same way she looked just before our first kiss in a dingy night club too many years ago now.
We are at the crossing point on the escalators. Time enough for her to say, ‘Hello stranger.’ Time enough for me to jump the central barrier, join her on the up escalator, head out with her into the London summer and find out just what the fuck went wrong fifteen years ago and if we can still fix it.
But I don’t. I mumble hello, shrug my shoulders at her and the escalator as if to say, what an awkward situation to meet in, traveling on moving metal steps that, like time, simpleywon’t stop to allow two people to properly acknowledge the past they share. I kid myself that she gets all that from the movement of my arms, the look in my eyes. And we are carried past each other again.
‘Who was that?’ Mel asks.
‘No-one. Old friend from Uni,’ I say.
‘Old friend or old girlfriend?’
‘Does it matter?’
I squeeze Mel’s hand. Trace my fingers over the engagement ring I gave her. She smiles. We follow the signs for Circle Line. I look back only once before we turn the corner, peering up at the escalators. I see no sign of floral print anywhere and once again move on.
26 Responses to The One That Got Away
You can really hear the voice of the narrator in the text – the first person viewpoint works well.
Please take this only as a bit of a critique, but some sentences came across as a bit awkward, particularly the opening, and there were places that I'd normally look for a comma. Some of seems like it was deliberate for style, but it did throw me off a little! Just trying to help. 🙂
I do like how there's a sense of wistfulness, and you have to wonder whether he's really happy settling with his current fiancée. Does he stay with her? Does this awake another sort of longing, forcing him to go searching for someone new? Etc.
You can really hear the voice of the narrator in the text – the first person viewpoint works well.
Please take this only as a bit of a critique, but some sentences came across as a bit awkward, particularly the opening, and there were places that I'd normally look for a comma. Some of seems like it was deliberate for style, but it did throw me off a little! Just trying to help. 🙂
I do like how there's a sense of wistfulness, and you have to wonder whether he's really happy settling with his current fiancée. Does he stay with her? Does this awake another sort of longing, forcing him to go searching for someone new? Etc.
Thanks for the mini-critique. I just went back and had a look and picked up a few typos that might help make things flow a little better. No excuse, but I was rushing to get this one down before the deadline and while trying to complete a piece for a competition deadline yesterday, hence the missed typos.
As for the opening line, I was trying to convey the suddenness of seeing 'her' with the jerky intro. Not sure if it works, but I still kind of like it.
The main thing is you got the sense of the voice of the character which is what I was aiming at here.
Thanks again.
Thanks for the mini-critique. I just went back and had a look and picked up a few typos that might help make things flow a little better. No excuse, but I was rushing to get this one down before the deadline and while trying to complete a piece for a competition deadline yesterday, hence the missed typos.
As for the opening line, I was trying to convey the suddenness of seeing 'her' with the jerky intro. Not sure if it works, but I still kind of like it.
The main thing is you got the sense of the voice of the character which is what I was aiming at here.
Thanks again.
I truly get that feel of "what could have been, what might have been" from the piece that I am sure has been there in almost everyone's life.
I like how when he looks at her it's as if he is looking at her from the past, not the present, the same floral dress, kooky braid and same shoes and when he turns around to look the floral dress is gone and so is the past.
For a quick effort, you "done" good!
I truly get that feel of "what could have been, what might have been" from the piece that I am sure has been there in almost everyone's life.
I like how when he looks at her it's as if he is looking at her from the past, not the present, the same floral dress, kooky braid and same shoes and when he turns around to look the floral dress is gone and so is the past.
For a quick effort, you "done" good!
Aww, so many questions unanswered! And that's the way it should be for this story, because that's what it's about.
The first person is an unreliable narrator – a cliche but I wonder if it's true here – how happy is he really? how many of his memories are real and how many constructed? is he over-dramatising?
I think I agree with Paige – some editing is still needed (e.g. the sentence that starts 'a summer dress on…') – but I love the story. Well done!
Aww, so many questions unanswered! And that's the way it should be for this story, because that's what it's about.
The first person is an unreliable narrator – a cliche but I wonder if it's true here – how happy is he really? how many of his memories are real and how many constructed? is he over-dramatising?
I think I agree with Paige – some editing is still needed (e.g. the sentence that starts 'a summer dress on…') – but I love the story. Well done!
I think you've caught that 'what if?' feeling well here, the one that we all share. Everyone can relate which draws us to our own memories. Great read!
Laura Eno
I think you've caught that 'what if?' feeling well here, the one that we all share. Everyone can relate which draws us to our own memories. Great read!
Laura Eno
Nice job, Dan. I think the opening works. It is abrupt, as is his realization. Fits well.
I went back are reread. I agree that the line, "A summer dress on.." could use a tweak. I'd just take out the word "on".
I thought it was an excellent piece.
~jon
Nice job, Dan. I think the opening works. It is abrupt, as is his realization. Fits well.
I went back are reread. I agree that the line, "A summer dress on.." could use a tweak. I'd just take out the word "on".
I thought it was an excellent piece.
~jon
Thanks everyone for the postive comments and for proof reading it for me ;)…all corrections noted and made so far 🙂
Thanks everyone for the postive comments and for proof reading it for me ;)…all corrections noted and made so far 🙂
I think we all have a warm spot in our hearts for that one love who made the world spin. Some are still with that love. I think you've captured that feeling in this piece. Nice job.
Stephen Book
I think we all have a warm spot in our hearts for that one love who made the world spin. Some are still with that love. I think you've captured that feeling in this piece. Nice job.
Stephen Book
"Time enough for me to jump…" but didn't. I love the feel of this piece. It's got a beginning, middle, end – and a whole world of backstory that resonates with anyone reading it.
Well done.
– KjM
"Time enough for me to jump…" but didn't. I love the feel of this piece. It's got a beginning, middle, end – and a whole world of backstory that resonates with anyone reading it.
Well done.
– KjM
I was reading this post, and I was swept into… butterflies and cold sweats and simply wishing with all my heart "what if"
Great post… wish my comment could do it justice
~2
I was reading this post, and I was swept into… butterflies and cold sweats and simply wishing with all my heart "what if"
Great post… wish my comment could do it justice
~2
Nice job, Dan. I really liked everything about it and made me wonder if The One That Got Away was going to be cool about things or would make a scene. I also wondered a little bit more about Mel. Despite knowing so little about any of these characters, I liked them all the same. I could identify with all of them.
Regarding typos/sentence construction/wording, etc, I don't believe the emphasis is on those things in this exercise. I think it's supposed to be a quick, ten minute, sit-down-make-it-up-as-you-go construction, so Dan, you're not going to get anything about that from me.
All in all, very enjoyable! Looking forward to more when the summer hiatus ends – although I'm not looking forward to summer's end! hahaha!
Nice job, Dan. I really liked everything about it and made me wonder if The One That Got Away was going to be cool about things or would make a scene. I also wondered a little bit more about Mel. Despite knowing so little about any of these characters, I liked them all the same. I could identify with all of them.
Regarding typos/sentence construction/wording, etc, I don't believe the emphasis is on those things in this exercise. I think it's supposed to be a quick, ten minute, sit-down-make-it-up-as-you-go construction, so Dan, you're not going to get anything about that from me.
All in all, very enjoyable! Looking forward to more when the summer hiatus ends – although I'm not looking forward to summer's end! hahaha!
I love the symbolism (intended or not) of the crossing escalators. She is going up. He is going down. Going down with Mel. Going down into what, regret, boredom? I also loved the moment when they met at eye-level on the escalator, when he could have jumped to her, could have left Mel going down and he could have gone up with her. But he didn't take it. And he looked back only once. Very nicely done, man.
I love the symbolism (intended or not) of the crossing escalators. She is going up. He is going down. Going down with Mel. Going down into what, regret, boredom? I also loved the moment when they met at eye-level on the escalator, when he could have jumped to her, could have left Mel going down and he could have gone up with her. But he didn't take it. And he looked back only once. Very nicely done, man.
Hi Dan-
I liked the escalators crossing, too. It was a fabulous bit of metaphor.
Nice work!
Hi Dan-
I liked the escalators crossing, too. It was a fabulous bit of metaphor.
Nice work!
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